I am a person who lays it all out there for the world to know. Every trial, every joy, I share it. I haven't always been that way, almost the opposite. So maybe I'm overcompensating for years of keeping things locked away inside but who else writes a personal blog besides someone who likes to share things. I do it for support, prayers, to help myself stay focused...I share most everything because that's who I am.
Well, for about four months I've kept something quiet, close to my heart, only letting a handful of select people know. I can't say there's been many things in my adult life that I haven't openly shared but this I've kept hidden away...even from my own self at times. Probably because of the incredible heart ache, sorrow, and emptiness it makes me feel to think about it, let alone write or speak about it. But...it's time. I need prayers, support, and love...
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14
The passage above showed up as my passage of the day in my Bible app. Such a beautiful expression of the creation of a person...God's hand placing a baby in a mother's womb. Amazing. Awe-inspiring.
Or sometimes...saddening. Back in the beginning of January I had an early miscarriage. We were just maybe 6 weeks along, positive pregnancy test and all. Yet I just felt something was off, maybe even wrong. I couldn't get excited when I saw the positive test. For some reason I doubted we could be pregnant again. But I was. Less than 2 weeks after the positive test God chose to take our second child home before we could meet him or her.
To say I was heartbroken doesn't cover it. Devastated. In disbelief. Overwhelmed. Utterly empty. Maybe that's closer to describing that feeling. I wouldn't wish this on even the worst of enemies.
For a few months just Matt and my mom knew (she was here when I got the positive test). I just couldn't even say the word "miscarriage." Technically it's called a "chemical pregnancy" which is often referred to as the joke of the miscarriage world...in that it seems almost so quick and fast that you doubt you were even pregnant, that a child was for such a bitterly short time growing inside of you.
It took me two months to begin wrap my mind around what had happened or even say it out loud...it's taken my heart and emotions until now to be able to really feel the true kick-to-the-gut feelings that an early miscarriage brings with it.
We had a second child. I still have trouble even processing it sometimes. It's cruel and unfair. Our second baby would have been born in late September. I'm not sure how I'll emotionally handle that time when it comes. I've promised to allow myself to be sad when I feel I need to be sad but even that's tough.
I never thought this would happen...it wasn't in my plan.
But...it's not really my plan that happens ever, is it? No, this passage today helped me remember who creates a child. God, the almighty Creator, knits a child together in a mother's womb. God alone grows that life. No matter what I do or how I try to make that happen, only when God wills it to be is a life created. It's not up to me to make sure I'm doing all I can to make a life. How ridiculous to think my measly self could be the driving force to something so miraculous.
Sadly the questions have started: when will Laura have a brother or sister? Are you guys trying again? She needs a sibling. My hearts breaks just a bit more every single time someone innocently and unknowingly asks or comments about my family and our hopes. I often get angry just wishing people nowadays would just mind their own business and not speculate about our family. That's the hurt talking, I know, but it's just so painful. I can't stand those questions and words...salt in the wound.
So now I need prayers. I need to keep this passage in my mind and on my heart. I've wavered in my trust of our Creator. I've tried to be the one in charge of this part of my life. I need prayers for my aching heart. His plan always turns out better than mine but this one is a hard one to grasp. I need help to stay focused on Jesus being my everything...not having another child...
You saw fit to bless our second child with a life without pain and suffering and brought baby to your side so soon. Forgive me for my anger and lack of trust. Ease my sorrow. Calm my weary soul. Give me strength to know that You are in control and the Creator of all life. If it be your will, bless us with a brother or sister for Laura. Above all help us to focus on Jesus as the source of our contentment, peace, and hope.
In Jesus' name, amen.