Giggles & Goodness

Knit me together...

Thursday, May 16, 2013

I am a person who lays it all out there for the world to know. Every trial, every joy, I share it. I haven't always been that way, almost the opposite. So maybe I'm overcompensating for years of keeping things locked away inside but who else writes a personal blog besides someone who likes to share things. I do it for support, prayers, to help myself stay focused...I share most everything because that's who I am.

Well, for about four months I've kept something quiet, close to my heart, only letting a handful of select people know. I can't say there's been many things in my adult life that I haven't openly shared but this I've kept hidden away...even from my own self at times. Probably because of the incredible heart ache, sorrow, and emptiness it makes me feel to think about it, let alone write or speak about it. But...it's time. I need prayers, support, and love...

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14

The passage above showed up as my passage of the day in my Bible app. Such a beautiful expression of the creation of a person...God's hand placing a baby in a mother's womb. Amazing. Awe-inspiring.

Or sometimes...saddening. Back in the beginning of January I had an early miscarriage. We were just maybe 6 weeks along, positive pregnancy test and all. Yet I just felt something was off, maybe even wrong. I couldn't get excited when I saw the positive test. For some reason I doubted we could be pregnant again. But I was. Less than 2 weeks after the positive test God chose to take our second child home before we could meet him or her.

To say I was heartbroken doesn't cover it. Devastated. In disbelief. Overwhelmed. Utterly empty. Maybe that's closer to describing that feeling. I wouldn't wish this on even the worst of enemies.

For a few months just Matt and my mom knew (she was here when I got the positive test). I just couldn't even say the word "miscarriage." Technically it's called a "chemical pregnancy" which is often referred to as the joke of the miscarriage world...in that it seems almost so quick and fast that you doubt you were even pregnant, that a child was for such a bitterly short time growing inside of you.

It took me two months to begin wrap my mind around what had happened or even say it out loud...it's taken my heart and emotions until now to be able to really feel the true kick-to-the-gut feelings that an early miscarriage brings with it.

We had a second child. I still have trouble even processing it sometimes. It's cruel and unfair. Our second baby would have been born in late September. I'm not sure how I'll emotionally handle that time when it comes. I've promised to allow myself to be sad when I feel I need to be sad but even that's tough.

I never thought this would happen...it wasn't in my plan.

But...it's not really my plan that happens ever, is it? No, this passage today helped me remember who creates a child. God, the almighty Creator, knits a child together in a mother's womb. God alone grows that life. No matter what I do or how I try to make that happen, only when God wills it to be is a life created. It's not up to me to make sure I'm doing all I can to make a life. How ridiculous to think my measly self could be the driving force to something so miraculous.

Sadly the questions have started: when will Laura have a brother or sister? Are you guys trying again? She needs a sibling. My hearts breaks just a bit more every single time someone innocently and unknowingly asks or comments about my family and our hopes. I often get angry just wishing people nowadays would just mind their own business and not speculate about our family. That's the hurt talking, I know, but it's just so painful. I can't stand those questions and words...salt in the wound.

So now I need prayers. I need to keep this passage in my mind and on my heart. I've wavered in my trust of our Creator. I've tried to be the one in charge of this part of my life. I need prayers for my aching heart. His plan always turns out better than mine but this one is a hard one to grasp. I need help to stay focused on Jesus being my everything...not having another child...

Dear Father,
You saw fit to bless our second child with a life without pain and suffering and brought baby to your side so soon. Forgive me for my anger and lack of trust. Ease my sorrow. Calm my weary soul. Give me strength to know that You are in control and the Creator of all life. If it be your will, bless us with a brother or sister for Laura. Above all help us to focus on Jesus as the source of our contentment, peace, and hope.
In Jesus' name, amen.

When You Look at Me, What Do You See?

Friday, April 5, 2013

I'm a reflective person by nature. Overanalytical. Deep. Constantly going back over how I've acted. Lately, I've been struggling...bigtime with this question: when people see me, what do they see?

I'm not talking about the frazzled mommy of a toddler. No, much more than that. Do people see Jesus when they meet me? In my words. In my actions. In my very being...do people see Jesus?

Jesus was all loving, ever-forgiving, selfless, humble, peaceful, and so much more.

Honestly, I don't even come close. I'd venture to say I'm the mere antithesis of Jesus by nature. It breaks my heart to think of how I've represented Him on a daily, personal basis. I'm a lazy, short-tempered, self-centered, speak without thinking, judgmental, gossiping sinner. There's no heavier feeling I've experienced in my life than when I'm completely honest with who I am by myself and have come to grips with how sinful I really am. Given the choice, I choose myself, instead of Jesus and others, almost every time. It's bringing tears to my eyes because I've failed so miserably to reflect the person of Christ. I've by nature done the opposite of showing Jesus 9.9 times out of 10. My sinful mind is definitely hostile to God and all that He is. When I come face to face with my sins like I have recently, I feel void, empty, destitute, hopeless.

"He (God) lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Psalm 40:2, yup, a pit...heavy muddy, sin-filled pit of guilt and pure shame.

But He lifts me up. Thankfully, by inexpressible grace, Jesus took this weight and put it on His shoulders. He bore my burdens, this guilt and shame, all the sins I've wallowed in and washed them in His blood. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). Christ, who being God himself, died...because of me and for me. What grace. What love. It's incomprehensible to me. That by nothing of my own, by no merit or work of mine, He gave his life--his holy and perfect life--to pick up and take on my sins, die a horrid death on a cross only to be himself separated from God's love...to save me. Me, the worst of sinners, has been washed clean.

Now I have tears of joy & gratitude (those words don't even begin to describe). No more void but a heart and soul bursting with I want nothing more than when people see me that they see past me to Jesus, the Savior, full of love. Romans 15:13: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." What an undeserved blessing. Not only have I been saved from certain eternal death and unspeakable anguish in this world and after, but I've been filled with peace and hope beyond words without having to wait and suffer. Jesus' love is astounding. It actually changes my very way of seeing myself and others around me. My earnest prayer is that with His never-failing help I can cling to this so that others will see Him. Make me nothing so that He is everything.

Dear Jesus,

A thank you is not enough...words cannot say how thankful I am. Help me to be nothing to myself so that you and your love are everything. Make me see others with your eyes and your love. Help me see myself with your eyes, through your resurrection. Help me cling to you always so that my soul may be full of your grace so much that it can't help but pour out of me.

In your name, I pray. Amen.

A Little Something Extra

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

So I have been blessed with the opportunity to write a blog on a regular basis for the website Bread for Beggars! BfB is place to go where you can find all sorts of sound, Biblically correct media...songs, sermons, videos, stories, blogs, art, devotions. Anything you could possibly want to nourish your faith throughout the day. I know that I slack & therefore suffer when I don't feed my faith with the Word on days other than Sunday. This website is full of reviewed and evaluated Christian resources. We've taken the work out of sifting through the incredible amount of "Christian" resources on the Interwebs.

I'm just so proud of the work the men and women who are dedicated to this site have done. It's easily my favorite website out there. There is literally something for everyone, always full of the gospel, never sacrificing the meaty content we all crave, whether we realize it or not.

Building on the Rock is the blog I write for BfB. It's dedicated to parents, caregivers...really anyone with kiddos in their lives. Please check it out and share it with your friends if you find anything you like on Bread for Beggars. It's easy to spread the Gospel when all you have to do is click!

Here's a little snippet of my latest blog on BfB:

She’s teething. She didn’t nap well. She’s out of her routine. She’s just hungry. She’s just being the toddler she is. She’s strong willed. She’s extra independent. She’s feeding off my bad mood. She’s not being stimulated enough. She’s over stimulated. She must be getting sick. She’s just like her mother. She’s just like her father.

Excuses, excuses, excuses…

I’ve recently had a big “Aha!” moment, an embarrassing and shameful one at that. I am the Queen of Excuses and Analyst Extraordinaire when it comes to my child’s behavior.

Every time that Laura is the slightest bit fussy, naughty, or anything other than wonderful, my postmodernist psychology kicks in and I try to find the elusive “Why?” After all, if I follow any parenting pop psychology today there’s got to be some underlying reason why Laura is behaving in any way other than the good, sweet girl I know she is.

Laura Elisabeth, Meet Your Papi

Saturday, March 2, 2013

My dearest girl, here are some of my favorite things about your Papi that I want you to know. Someday you will meet him in heaven. Until then, I will do whatever I can to help you get to know him. He was an amazing man and would have loved every single bit of you more than words.

There are many times, my sweet baby, that I watch you and think of how much I wanted your Papi to meet you. But God was so good to him and took your Papi home to heaven so he wouldn't be in pain anymore. Jesus died for Papi's sins just like he died for yours and mine and everyone's. When Jesus rose again he gave us the promise and sure hope that we will get to go to heaven, too. Jesus loves us that much! So read this and know that as much as I miss him, your Papi is free of all pain and suffering and living eternally in heaven by Jesus' side and I wouldn't want it any other way.

So, Laura Elisabeth, meet your Papi:

He loved melty ice cream and cookies. He ate one (or both!) every night.
He snored so loudly and made humming sounds in his sleep all the while holding the remote control.
He loved flannel shirts from Cabela's and jeans.
He always ate with a napkin in his hand or right by his plate. He hated messy hands.
He had one small, plastic cup that he kept above the sink and drank water from right before he went to bed...it was always there.
He was a great athlete--basketball, football, track. He did it all. (I didn't inherit any athletic ability. I hope it skipped me and you still get some!)
He loved kids. He had lots of patience...except for when he didn't, then we had to drink hot dog weenie milk. I'll tell you that story sometime.

He loved (wink wink) all the self-portraits that your Aunt Mollie and I made him take.
He had a secret love of Cher. I used to call him late at night and sing some Cher to him.
He would curl up on the couch before he'd go to work at night and we used to snuggle by his legs. We called it his pit. He used to toot on us. It was gross...but funny.
He was drafted into the army and fought in the jungles of Vietnam. He was hard on him and he didn't talk about it much. He did go to some reunions eventually and came back laughing and telling stories that he hadn't told us before.
He was the family photographer, always taking pictures alongside your great Uncle Ray.
He lived for Christmas time. Grandma would actually have to try to stop him from spending tons of money buying us presents. He loved watching us open them even more than ever receiving a gift himself.
He used to bring home donuts on Saturday mornings or sometimes pies that he'd have in a brown paper bag on top of the fridge.
He'd eat a sandwich and Made-Rite potato chips every night while he was at work.
He used to watch the Spanish channels on tv. He claimed he knew the story lines but he didn't know Spanish.
He didn't know your daddy all that long but he knew Daddy would take good care of me.
He loved you Grandma very much and they were married over 30 years.
He loved your Uncle Mike, Uncle Ben, Aunt Mollie, and me so very much. He'd have done anything for us.
He taught us about Jesus and made sure we went to church to hear about him. He did everything he could to send us to Christian schools so we'd had strong faith in Jesus.

I hope that I never forget all the things that made your Papi the great dad that he was. My Laura Love, you remind me so much of him and I'm so thankful for that. Anytime you're wondering about him, I will tell you all you want to know and more.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18