Getting to the Root of My Funk

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Ever feel like you just can't win? That people are out to burst every bubble you've got? I definitely got that going on lately. The beginning of May is always hard for me and this year is no different. I take things personally that I normally wouldn't. I am doubly sensitive and can't take a joke. I sinfully tend to assume the worst of people's intentions. I am hoping that by letting it out, the funk will dissipate. 


I hate, and I mean to use the strong word "hate", feeling like this. I know that I'm overly sensitive. I don't blame myself for that...I sadly blame my dad. He's not here so he's the safest one to blame ;) He kind of ruined the end of April/beginning of May for me. Sadness and feeling just "blah" rule my May days until something gives. I about bit the head off of two friends today for the smallest of things. Sigh...I don't like this at all.


This year I'm pretty sure there's something more in the mix. In just two weeks I will be done teaching for an unknown amount of time. I'm going to stay at home (gulp!) with LL full time. I know in my heart I want nothing more than to be here with her. I fully believe at this point that home is where God is leading me. But here's the sad part...the secret I've been harboring---I don't really like teaching anymore. Honestly I never thought it would be like that. I LOVED teaching for 8 years. I loved the challenges & the triumphs, the students, and even their parents! But...somehow I've lost that. I almost feel like I am grieving the loss of my love of teaching. Ok, when I actually read that I realize how truly melodramatic it may seem but it's true. I am sad that I don't love teaching anymore. I'm going to miss my ECC staff more than words can express. I have the world's most amazing boss and coworkers who are good friends. Some of them have seen the good, bad, and ugly over the last 3 May's and have stuck by my side no matter what. I will miss seeing them so much. But what I miss the most already is the drive and inspiring love of teaching that I used to have. I really hope I get it back some day.


So I'm going to make a list. Yup, hubs, another list. :) It's a list of what I loved about teaching. Focus on the good times and what I will cherish from my first round of teaching in my life.


Treasures from Teaching
  • Easily and hands down most important to me: I was blessed to share the love of Jesus openly with my students for 8 straight years.
  • Seeing the "aha" moments so many times. That split second moment when something new clicks for a student.
  • Getting to know my students deep down. They let me in on their sacred secrets and trusted me wholeheartedly. That one I'll miss for sure.
  • Hugs...lots and lots of hugs. Somehow as much as I knew when my little ones needed hugs, they knew even more when I needed them.
  • Assessments...you don't believe me, do you? But yup, I love 'em. I loved seeing where a student started and how far I was able to help them go. Yes, assessments made me see the challenges, sometimes HUGE challenges that were ahead of us, but then the reward was so much sweeter when they met their goals.
  • Support and love from the BEST of coworkers and colleagues in both schools where I taught. I wouldn't have survived without them.
  • Routine and structure...yes, I'm anal retentive and will probably create a weekly schedule for LL and me. School gave me a way to hold myself accountable. I have this much work to accomplish in X amount of hours and days...LOVED that.
  • God was able to knock me down and build me right back up through these 8 years. With every difficult student situation and every time I couldn't do more...He made me realize it wasn't ever about me. He provided the grace to cover my mistakes...the times I couldn't get through to that certain student, the times I couldn't take them out of the horrible home lives, the times I simply wasn't what they needed. God's grace is all sufficient.
This list helped me realize something: I do love teaching. I will miss teaching. And that's okay. God has blessed me beyond measure through these 8 years as a teacher. He's taught me far more than I could ever teach a child. I am going to miss it. And oddly, that's really good to know.

3 Years and Counting...

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes on not on what is seen but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.


May 3rd. Here we go again. 3 years on the 3rd. The first anniversary of my dad's entering heaven was almost a breath of fresh air, like I could finally start moving forward after a year of hellish sadness. The second anniversary was bearable, sad but far better than anything in year one. Now, the third anniversary is here and I'm just plain sad. 


This year is the first with my daughter-and he's not here. I know with unwavering faith that my dad is walking with our Savior Jesus in heaven. There is not a shred of doubt in my mind that he is not suffering anymore. I am still amazed at God's mercy and goodness is taking my father home to heaven when He did. Because of Jesus' suffering, death, and resurrection I can confidently say that my dad is rejoicing at his Savior's side. 


Yet I am still sad. I'm sad that Laura will never know her Papi. He's not here to hold her hands. He's not here to laugh with her. He's not here to adore her. He's not here to love her. He's not here to watch her grow in God's grace & goodness. He's not here to see me be a mommy.


Deep breath, Katie. He's not here. Sometimes it is still so hard incredibly hard to believe. He was always there for me. Gosh, I miss him.


Now more than ever I need to refocus. I have to turn to the cross otherwise sadness wins in the next few days especially. Here is my new mantra:



So we fix our eyes on not on what is see but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

What is eternal is that Jesus lives. What is eternal is that He has washed away our sins. What is eternal is that my dad is no longer suffering. What is eternal is that Laura will know Jesus & her Papi in heaven someday. What is eternal is that Jesus never leaves nor forsakes us. What is eternal is that no matter how sad I rightfully feel, my joy will be infinitely greater when I meet Jesus. What is eternal is God's grace & goodness. 


Rapid Recovery & On the Move

Thursday, April 19, 2012

It's amazing how God made little baby bodies. After the wicked tumble off the changing table that LL took, I thought for sure she'd be brain damaged in some capacity, especially when the ER doc sent us home with paperwork on "Child Brain Injury!" Seriously, way to scare the crap out of new parents. Sheesh! I think that the medical field exists to torment new and unsure parents sometimes...I digress. 


Yes, LL has had quite the rapid recovery...no obvious damage and in the last 4 days she has become super MOBILE! She is no longer content to just roll around on the smallish area rug. Oh no, that will not do! She has managed to crawl...ok army crawl if you want to get technical, from one end of the house to the other. Just today she was perusing the bookshelves, aka Visaggio Reference Library, eyeing up the Teaching Science as Inquiry and 7 Keys to Comprehension education section when she finally decided on none other than Webster's Unabridged Dictionary. At least it seems we're raising a brainiac ;) if not a daredevil!


So what to do about baby-proofing?? Obviously we need to bolt the bookshelves to the wall asap. Outlets are plugged. Cords are stored and tied back. Doorknobs are covered...and honestly, that's the one that drives me bananas! I can't open the freakin' door without an added 5 seconds each time...sigh. 



My to do list consists of just putting the cabinet locks on. I think that will do. I'm not sure what else there is to do. I contemplated moving breakables up higher. But then again I kind of want to teach her not to touch those things. Am I begging for trouble? Probably. Will it be more work for me? Definitely. But really how much of my house am I supposed to remove or rearrange??? 


Did you know that there are actually businesses whose sole purpose is to baby-proof your home? Take a look at all the gadgets on babyproofingshop.com! I mean really, how many ways can you lock down your toilet??? Why not just shut the door to the bathroom is my first thought. But then again, my little daredevil can't get into the bathroom...yet.


In what ways did you baby-proof your home? Is there a face-palm baby-proofing idea I'm missing? I am still majorly sleep deprived so I can easily see myself forgetting an obvious item. Please HELP! The last thing we need is a second trip to the ER in a week!!!



How Did They Let That Happen???

Sunday, April 15, 2012

"How did they let that happen?" I am so embarrassed to admit this now but I have thought or said these words about parents too many times to count. I might possibly have been one of the most judgmental parents before I had one of my own...especially before today.


Today, the unthinkable happened. My sweet Laura-love flipped herself off the changing table landing smack on the back on her body, heading smacking back on the floor. Even writing what happened now makes me want to vomit. I was standing right next to her...less than a foot away from her...how did I let that happen? I was turned sideways but what still right there...how did I let that happen?


Her reaction makes me feel even sicker. She held her breath for a moment or lost her breath, I'm not sure. Then she let out a blood curdling scream as I picked her up and tried to comfort her. She cried so hard...harder than she has ever cried...how did I let that happen? Her eyes wobbling and glazed over...how did I let that happen?


We took her to the ER. We were those parents...the frazzled, sobbing (on my part), complete train wrecks terrified that our precious gift from God was somehow irreversibly damaged...how did I let that happen? Being our spunky lil' LL, she was laughing and playing by now as well as eating, charming the pants off anyone who walked by. We were fast tracked to the see the doctor, though...how did I let that happen?


She's all checked out and seemingly no physical damage or otherwise done to my sweet girl. Thank God for His incredible protection. Still...how did I let that happen? She needs to be watched for the next 24 hours to be sure everything is just fine but as of right now, she's our same little girl as always. 


The damage to my nerves & dare I speak for the hubs, his, too, are less than fine, far less than the same. How did I let that happen? I keep going over it, second by second, and can't figure out why, this one freaking time, I didn't strap her down. EVERY SINGLE TIME since she's started squirming & rolling & crawling, I have strapped her down...except this one time. How did I let that happen? What was I thinking? What was I so preoccupied with that I missed that one small step that I harp on everyone else about? How did I become the seemingly careless parent whose baby got hurt? Was I rushing? For what? What the hell happened?


I don't think that anytime in the near future that I won't become physically ill when I think about what happened or even worse, what could have happened to my sweet baby love. But I have to trust that God forgives me, Laura forgives me, my husband forgives, and hopefully I forgive myself. God sent His amazing angels to cushion her little head and body. How indescribably merciful He is. His mercies are new every morning. He will command His angels concerning us to guard us in all our ways...I have to trust and stop wondering why...and stop ever judging another parent for what was an accident. 




Dear Father in heaven, thank you beyond words for never ceasing to take care of our sweet Laura in spite of us. Forgive me of my daily failures as a parent. Forgive me for today. Ease my mind and give me peace & trust that You are in control and there are no better hands for us to be in. Heal Laura & restore her fully to the precious blessing, healthy & happy, that she has always been. Give me strength to resist the temptation to blame & beat myself up for what happened. Help me to stop questioning this accident but rather leave it at the foot of the cross. Help me to never, ever, judge another parent for the simple mistakes that can happen so easily. Give us rest and comfort knowing you never slumber nor sleep and always have a watchful eye and loving hand over us. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)