Looking Back...

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I've been more reflective this week than usual and today especially. It was exactly this week last year that I realized I had fully lost my mind. Yup, I went crazy. I mean like rocking back and forth, unable to eat or sleep, barely putting two words together to form a coherent sentence...crazy. 

I couldn't handle the idea of Matt leaving for work without breaking out into sobs and serious sweats. I kept worrying about what I would do if Laura didn't nap while he was gone. What would I do with her? Then I would think, what if she does sleep and I try to sleep and she wakes up...what then? I was convinced Laura hated me and that I couldn't give her what she needed, that if left in my care, she wouldn't thrive. Yup, certifiably crazy. 

A year ago I totally became a different person. For the first time in my life I couldn't control my thoughts, my body, or my actions. Poor Mathew. God bless that man forever for being so strong and giving me whatever I needed to ease my crazy mind. He would just tell me to repeat to myself that "I am okay in this moment." That is how I survived in the beginning. Just repeating (out loud while rocking back and forth) that I was okay in that moment. Things just kept getting worse. I went over 72 hours without being able to sleep. I lost I don't even know how much weight because I couldn't eat. The worst was the anger, fear, and sadness when I held my newborn, sweet Laura. I wanted nothing to do with her. 

Then...it got worse. I can admit it now for the sake of mothers who may be struggling with this and for my own healing...I wanted her gone. (By the way, I want to bawl and vomit as I write this part). I wanted nothing to do with her. (Big breath, Katie. You can say this because it's not true and wasn't your fault....) I wanted to hurt her. It was at that very moment that I knew I needed help. I went to Matt sobbing hysterically telling him I couldn't do it without help. And without hesitation and full of pure faith in God that we'd be able to pay our bills, he told me to fly my mom back down here. (I have tears now just thinking about how amazing of a man God blessed me with.) Debbers, being the incredible person she is, called the church and told them she'd be gone for while (she's a church secretary) and told me not to worry, she'd be there soon. 

Words cannot describe what Matt and my mom did for me during that time. God used them in ways I'm not sure they'll ever understand to bring me out of the depths of postpartum depression. I shudder even thinking about what could have happened to Laura and myself if God hadn't given me the help I needed. It was nothing short of pure grace. My mom came and I could sleep, actually sleep knowing Laura was being taken care of and it didn't have to be me. I could focus on getting better. The medication kicked in and my many sessions with my counselor made it possible for me to function again. It took a full month for me to wake up and feel like myself again...to feel like the cloud and haze was gone...to be able to hold and LOVE my little girl. 

PPD robbed me of two months with Laura...thankfully, today, you'd never ever know. That sweet & sassy little girl (who is currently gabbing away in her crib...not sleeping...and guess who's not freaking out?? This momma!!!) comes to me for comfort, for play, for nourishment, for LOVE. God is so good. He never left me. He carried me. He picked me up through the people in my life who rescued me when I was at my absolute worst. I'm forever grateful to Him, Mathew, and my mom for helping when I couldn't move out of it. I'm a stay-at-home mom and remarkably Laura is THRIVING and added bonus...so am I. 




Dear Father, 
Thank you for never leaving or forsaking me. Thank you for Matt and my mom. Thank you for medication, doctors, and therapists. Thank you for Laura and her resilience. Thank for rescuing me. Thank for this blessed life.
In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.


For information about PostPartum Depression, check the following website:http://www.postpartumprogress.com/ They also have an amazing facebook group! So many survivors and support!

My People

Monday, August 13, 2012

I miss my people. I came to this conclusion during my spur-of-the-moment trip to Wisconsin last month. It's been 8 years since I have been in the same city as my favorite people (aside from my dearest hubby, obviously.) God somehow coordinated it once again that my dear Jenni and I were in the same place at the same time. He tends to make sure that happens once a year...personally, I believe it's for our sanity that He does so. During that visit I was able to see Rachel again after something like 7 years. I haven't seen Faith in years. Katie & Kristin, my dears, it's been even longer. I see my family, well my mom and my sister, maybe three times a year. I see my brothers even less. I won't even get started on how desperately I miss our every Sunday afternoon gathering at my grandparents' house. Those were the best. I miss my people. Yes. The phone exists as well as email and Facebook. But there's something about being in close proximity to my people. 

What makes these precious people my people? Our common faith. All of the people I have in mind are Christians, specifically WELS Christians. Aside from family, I went to college with my people. I miss those days. I miss worshiping with them every day in chapel. I miss knowing that the base and core of everything about that person was built on Christ alone. There's something inexpressible and intangible about that bond. I miss the daily face-to-face friendships. These women are an extension of my family. They know me to the inmost depths. They can read my face and know my mood with one look. My people know when I need spiritual encouragement or just a good laugh & brewski. Sigh. I miss my people. 

I'm sad that because of how spread all over God's green earth we are, our children won't grow up together. I want Laura to know Libby, Benjamin, Julie, Micah, Jeremiah, Zechariah, Joseph, Annabelle, and Owen, and numerous others. I want her to have that deep common faith bond with these children of God. I absolutely love that these women and their husbands know the most important thing as a parent is showing Jesus' love and feeding our children's faith. I want to surround myself with these people, my people, every day. 

So today...I'm throwing myself a pity party. I'm remembering and smiling about all the old times in the Midwest. I'm perusing pictures and thanking God for the ever-lasting, faith-filled friendships. I'm making it my goal to staying in better touch with my people. God has so richly blessed me with friends that I can call after years and know that we have the deepest core of our beings in common. That's an amazing gift.




Dear Father in heaven,
Thank for the gracious gift of solid, faithful Christian friends. Help me to talk with them more and not let go of the amazing people you have placed in my life. If it be your will, bring us closer in proximity so that I feel less lonely. Remind of your ever-faithful presence when I'm sad and give Laura the same close-bonded friendships some day.
In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

Taking a Step Back

Monday, August 6, 2012

For quite a while that I've been meaning to sit and write my other crunchy posts. I think there's a pretty good reason as to why I am having writer's block that I've finally figured out this weekend ...I'm not a blogger. I am so not ever going to be someone who writes reviews, writes with wittiness and can get an audience. I will never be someone who can post weekly and on a decent schedule. I admire my cousin and the few friends I have who are serious mommy-bloggers...way to go, ladies! I seriously have no clue how you find the time and energy to do it. You. Are. Rockstars.

 I, on the other hand, am a newly made Stay-at-Home-Mommy who's barely surviving. This whole summer of change has been one word: O-V-E-R-W-H-E-L-M-I-N-G! I keep telling everyone I am way more exhausted at the end of one day being home with Laura than I was with 18 four year olds running circles around me. That leads me to the rediscovered purpose for my blog: to reclaim my sanity, to have a little piece of me that exists in order to remain a normal, mentally healthy wife and mother and person of the human race...in other words, if I don't use this writing as an outlet, there could be serious casualties. 

 About 7 years ago, I started seeing a counselor for a variety of reasons. Michelle is truly an angel. One thing that she taught me that has always stuck with me is to write. When my head is all jumbled and I feel like I'm going to explode (ahem...today for example) she would tell me I was way overdue for writing. And sure as can be, once I wrote I felt better. Yup, essentially I'm a 30 year old woman who writes in a diary...and LOVES it. 

 I'm an analyzer. I think about absolutely everything in a reflective way. That's a blessing and a curse for sure. Sometimes it makes me very stubborn...okay, a lot of the time. ;)  But, I definitely know myself better and stay more consistent in my studying of God's Word and praying and praising Him when I reflect. When I let my writing go for a while, I tend to stray from Him. When I don't take moments each day to reflect, I lose sight of His ever-faithful presence. When I'm stuck in a rut and vicious cycle of worrying, stressing and spinning my wheels, I need to write. I need to reflect. I need to pray. 

 So yes, some day in the future (hopefully before Laura turns 18!) I'll finish filling you in on my favorite new crunchy things. But for now, I'll be writing for me and my sanity. I'm sure there will be entertaining moments but honestly, I don't mind if you don't read...

 this is actually for me ;)
Dear Jesus, I'm tired. I worry. I stress out. I project anger. I fail daily. You alone are faithful. You alone have all things in your almighty hand. You alone can wash away my sin. You alone can build me back up. Forgive me for my self-centeredness, fear, and doubt. Give me strength, patience, and gentleness that I may show your love to all around me. In your holy name, I pray. Amen.
Lamentations 3:22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."

Year One...CHECK!

Friday, July 20, 2012

We're back from our semi-impromptu vacation to Wisconsin to see family at Big Laura & Steve's wedding. What a whirlwind trip that was! I saw old college friends their babies & kiddos and got to spend some QT with my Midwest family. It went by way too quickly (like it always does!).


The day after we returned I had one, yes, just one tiny day to prepare for Laura's big 1st birthday! Being I'm a rookie-mommy, I invited over 50 people to Laura's birthday...what the heck was I thinking??? The only way the whole day was pulled off was because of my husband's high patience level with me & my dear friend, Stephanie's help. All in all, the day was a blast. We had so much fun celebrating our little blessing & the past year as well as toasting many brewskis to the fact that Matt & I survived year one of parenthood without losing our minds (well, the jury's still out there) & without forgetting our daughter somewhere!


Now that we've entered toddlerhood with a fully mobile, practically running Laura-love, I have very little down time. I've wanted to write Laura's birth story for a while but...she's always finding something to get into and I'm coming up with more and more creative barricades! So, while she's sleeping (and surely by sleeping, I mean running circles in her crib while singing away) & thanks to Britt for reminding me, here's Laura's birth-day story!


After what seemed like the longest Thursday ever, Laura Elisabeth Visaggio, was born at 5:37pm. I had been having contractions since midnight that day (absolutely not a single one before then). We went to the hospital around 5 am when my contractions were lasting over a minute and were 3 minutes apart. I thought for sure we were on the fast track to seeing our little girl...I was fairly wrong. After walking around the maternity wing at Cape Coral Hospital for more than 2 hours, we were sent home. The on-call doctor said that I wasn't going to be in active labor that day and I should go home and rest since I'd been up all night. She said if my contractions felt more painful I should come back. I was devastated. I thought for sure I'd be having Laura that day. 


Well, by the time I got to the parking lot my contractions were much worse but we just went home, assuming they knew what they were talking about. I laid in bed trying to sleep but my contractions remained steady and even and progressively getting harder. I tried laying on my side to sleep...nada. I tried sitting on my yoga ball....nada (truthfully, that was the worst idea known to mankind...SO FREAKING PAINFUL...I wanted to stab the yoga ball). I tried to take a bath thinking that would calm me down and help me rest....nada. I was trying to talk to my dear friend, Jenni, while laboring in the tub and I couldn't even carry on conversation. It was then that she simply said, "Katie, go back to the hospital. You're definitely in active labor now." 

She was right. We went back with the same bracelet they had given me 3 hours before and I was at a 5. (I probably would have had an unplanned homebirth with how naive and at the same time, stubborn I was that day.) At that point I knew I'd be running the show. I told the nurse as soon as they got me into my room that I wanted an epidural. I was so tired that I just wanted to sleep. I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to rest before the big push without one...and as educated as I was then, I wouldn't have made a different choice. They tried to argue with me that I was only at 5 and I should try to wait...I had choice words for them...and then the anesthesiologist came in. Oh, what an angel that man was! As soon as the epidural was in around noon, I took a nice, long four hour nap! I woke up around 4pm with the urge to push. The nurse thought I was nuts considering I had been virtually comatose just a moment before that. She checked and I was an 8. She put the required catheter in and holy moly, did my contractions come back strong! (I'm pretty sure my epidural only numbed my right side because I was feeling loads of wicked stuff on the left!) I told her again that I wanted to push so she appeased me with an eye roll & a check...yuppers, I was at 10! We woke up Matt (yup, he was still snoozing on the couch) and I started pushing around 4:45p. After a 45 minutes of pushing, the 2 nurses & Dr. Krauss told me to take a break and that I didn't need to push for a while as there were two other mothers they were convinced would birth their babes before me. Honestly, my first thought was "like hell, they're seeing their babies first!" And without anyone holding my legs up I began to push even harder. They didn't like that too much but it must have done some good because Dr. Krauss was yelling for me to stop so she could give me an episiotomy quick (proven by the slice on the top of Laura's precious little noggin after birth!). With three more heave-ho pushes, she was out! When they put her on my tummy I could hardly believe she was actually there, out in the world with us. It was one of the single most amazing moments of my life.






Sadly, (and now I know so much better that this will NEVER happen with our future babes) they took her off of me straight away and put her in the warmer. We were told in birthing class that this would only happen if something was wrong. I was supposed to have skin to skin contact immediately as that is the single best way to warm a newborn up. I frantically sent Matt over to the warmer while I was being stitched up to hold her hand. I simply remember shouting "Hold her hand! She's scared!" and asking over and over again what was wrong. Thankfully, absolutely nothing was wrong. They simply wanted to get her cleaned up & tests finished so they could make it to the other two birthing moms. They made me leave her in the warmer for over a half hour after they were finished. To this day that makes me so sad. I should've been holding her. 







But, before my heart sinks too low thinking about that, I will fast forward to the moments when we really got to hold her. BEST. MOMENTS. EVER. It seemed almost like time slowed instantly. All the rush & worry of the day and minutes right after birth were washed away the moment that I got to actually hold her. She was so gorgeous and healthy and incredible. God definitely blessed Matt & I beyond measure with this little one. 


There are definitely things I would change if I could go back. I would've been more assertive. I would've trusted my Mommy instincts more. I would have taken more pictures...or at least a family of 3 picture right away, for goodness' sake! But, I won't complain. I had it easy for the most part. We were given a beautiful, healthy, precious gift from God on July 7, 2011 that would forever change us.



I've been told by more people than I'd like to admit that becoming a mother that day has made me much softer & gentler woman. I like to think that side was always there but Laura just gave me a good enough reason to let it out ;) She is amazing. I marvel at her every single day. She's so smart & sassy, snuggly & independent all at the same time. She is turning into quite a rock star toddler. Her personality is enormous & I absolutely adore it. We've overcome quite a bit in her first year of life and for that I am eternally grateful to our good God for watching over us. He never let more happen than we could handle with His perfect help. She's challenged me to grow and change in ways I never thought possible. I'm so very thankful that God allows me to be Laura's mommy. As I was rocking her to sleep tonight it hit me as it has before...I get to be her mom. July 7, 2011 was one of the best, blessing-filled days of my life. 


My dear Laura, I love you so much! Your first year was incredible. Never forget that Jesus loves you & always watches over you. He will guard & keep you every day. Love you always, Mommy 
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