08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012 | Giggles & Goodness

Time to be Honest...I Need Help

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Many of you might be thinking that you've know that for a while ;) but today, I hit my all time low, rock bottom...I am the heaviest I have ever been. I feel like crap. I have no energy. I'm a terrible example for my little girl. I'm a poor steward of the healthy, disease-free body God gave me. I'm truly ashamed. I can't believe I let it get to this point. Well...time to be honest. No more excuses. No more lack of accountability. No more laziness.

I took a walk today after I weighed myself for the first time in a long time and I cried. Hard. It's devastating and extremely difficult to realize that my weight is something I'm going to have to battle all my life...but no more excuses. I can't and definitely don't want to defeat and abuse myself anymore. On my walk I calculated in my head how long it would take me to get down to the low end of my healthy weight range for my height and age. Hold on to your socks...if I lose the recommended 1-2 pounds a week, it will take me 2 YEARS! Yes, folks, that's right, two years to be at a healthy weight. Funny enough, that number didn't make me feel defeated or like I shouldn't even try. Instead it motivated me. I said to myself, "It's two years to add fifteen or more to my life."

Next on my walk I thought of a list of Don't Wants/Wants:

DON'T WANT:

Diabetes
Heart Disease
Cancer
To be out of breath playing with my daughter
To feel tired and lack energy
Laura to be embarrassed of me
To teach Laura bad behaviors and perpetuate the cycle of poor health
To look at pictures of myself and feel embarrassed and sad--------------------------->
To have to buy even bigger clothes
To sin against God by being slothful, lazy, and a poor steward

WANTS:

To live a God-pleasing, healthy life
Be free of allergies, ailments, diseases
Live my entire Time of Grace being a good steward of this body
Be able to keep up with my full-energy daughter
Feel vibrant, young, and energized
To be a good example of healthy living for Laura
To live long enough to see my grandchildren
To buy smaller clothes :)
To feel beautiful and proud when I look at myself

There are big steps I've taken already to get myself back on track to hit these goals. First, I've realized and said out loud that there is something seriously wrong that needs to be taken care of. I've asked the hubby for help and support. I've switched our diets to minimally processed foods, healthy fats, and veggies and fruits (as much organic as our budget can take). I started moving today with a long, sweaty walk with Laura. (I plan on alternating walking and video workouts.) I'm writing about my struggle and making it public. Some might think this is totally embarrassing and a ridiculous idea but for me, it means accountability. I'm asking for people to ask me how it's going, encourage me, and pray for me. If I go back to not caring, I'll be playing Russian Roulette waiting for the day when the doctors diagnose me with some disease. I can't risk that. Not anymore. The older I get the harder this fight will be.

So I'll be checking in here on my blog at the end of each month. I'll let y'all know how I'm doing, how many pounds I've lost, how I'm feeling, and share pictures. The fear of disappointing myself, my daughter, husband, and all of you is a way of keeping me going. Even more so would be your encouraging thoughts and prayers, reminders of what I'm fighting for. I'm asking you to help me. Keep me focused and fighting for good health while I still have a fighting chance to get it. And if anyone feels like paying for my personal trainer, you won't have to twist my arm to accept ;)

Check-In 8/29/12

Pounds lost: None yet

Clothing Size: 18/20

How I'm Feeling: More motivated than I've ever been

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please forgive me for abusing the body You've given me. Help me to be motivated and strong. Move others to help me and keep me on track. Bless these efforts for my sake and Laura's sake. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Fall Family Fun Fest

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Well, in my mind fall has begun! Maybe it's the looming hurricane coming our way or the never-ending humid hotness of Florida but I am more than ready for my absolute favorite time of the year: Fall!

Some of my best childhood memories are from the cold, crisp Michigan fall seasons. When I was little, my sister and I would spend hours building leaf houses. We'd rake up all the fallen, crunchy leaves (and even the nasty wet ones, too!) and then makes outlines of our pretend house using the leaves. We'd use one or two nails stuck in the tree in the front yard as coat hooks. We could play for hours outside. I absolutely loved it.

Michigan is one of the best places to be for fall. (Florida--not so much.) So since I moved to Florida 8 years ago I always itch for a visit to the great north when the beginning of September hits. I usually try to fly up there in October some time. (The one or two years that I didn't make it up for my visit, I was either highly depressed or seeking some fall-ness in Tennessee with our good friends!) I dubbed my annual pilgrimage to Michigan: Fall Family Fun Fest!(FFFF)

During FFFF, I try to squeeze in much needed visits with my family, my mom, sisters, brother, nephew, aunts, uncles...whoever I can find! We always to go to Bayne's Apple Valley Farm where I used to be a caramel apple girl in high school. There we sit and whisper about the falsehoods that are their "home baked pies." (My cousin has recently called this place "The House of Lies." The name fits.) Nonetheless, they have amazing caramel apples (apples flown in from Washington state...don't be deceived.) They have beautiful autumn decor, a cider house with the most delicious apple cider ever, and my favorite: cider donuts! There's also a little pumpkin patch complete with stick-your-face-in cutouts. (See picture ;)

We also HAVE to go to Johnson's Giant Pumpkin Farm
( http://johnsonsgiantpumpkins.net/index.php ). Just click on that link and you will instantly be jealous of my FFFF trip. They have everything from corn mazes, to little barrel rides for kids, pony rides, goat feeding (my nephew's favorite!), hot cider, craft fair, mums, hay rides, pumpkin launching, loads of pumpkins to buy, and giant characters made out of pumpkins & hay. It. Is. Awesome. I simply cannot wait to see Laura's face when we go this year! She's going to be so excited, though probably not as much as I will be!

This FFFF will be the longest, most funtivity-filled trip yet. Laura & I will be in Michigan for ten whole days in the beginning of October. She will get to experience the chilly air, color-changed leaves, pumpkin carving, a fall treat baking extravaganza, and lots of QT with her Michigan family.

So after my funky, feeling down week, I decided it was time to decorate for fall. I'm now sitting in my harvest-y home, smelling some apple-cinnamon candles, clicking through pics of earlier trips, dreaming of what promises to be one rockin' Fall Family Fun Fest!

Motivation...or lack there of

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Wow, this week has just been awful in the motivation department. I simply can't get my hiney moving to get done the things I want to accomplish. I have checked a few things off the list but it's been like pulling my own teeth (and how weird is that mental picture??). I've just been so wicked tired this week. Summer is dragging on...and on. There's apparently a hurricane looming somewhere nearby (mental note: check hurricane prep box. mental note #2: create hurricane prep box). Laura's been waking up a lot at night (thank you, big fat one year molars). I just can't seem to find energy to do anything.

I often struggle with whether or not this is wrong. Is it wrong to take breaks like this? Is it against God's will to shut down for a few days? When things are overwhelming does God give us permission to take a step back and breathe for a bit?

I envy my husband on days like this. He is currently working three, yes, that's right, 3 jobs to make it possible for me to stay home with Laura. He's a true workhorse of a man. He can work and work and work endlessly. Honestly, if I don't remind to drink water or eat during the day, there's a good possibility that he'll entirely forget. He can't sit and relax if there are things on his to-do list. I have no problem shutting down and shutting off when I need a break (which I believe is actually a good quality because I've seen him burnout quite a few times). But, this week it's the turning back on and starting back up that I'm having trouble with. What's the solution? I've got nothing. Somebody, anybody with an answer, now's your time to weigh in!

Maybe making another list in hopes that it will motivate me to do something will help (don't get too excited, Mathew...I'm not setting deadlines for checking off the items on said list ;)

Things to Think About Doing

Dig out, dust off, and actually use yoga/workout dvds.
Plan Mornings with Mommy sessions.
Take my vitamins every day.
Lay out a workable budget for the fam.
Take Laura to Baby Rhyme Time at the library finally.
Dig out fall decorations from storage (Yuppers, there's the winner, ladies & gentleman. I finally have the urge to do something....decorate for my favorite season which I don't actually get to experience because I live in Florida. But, hey, a girl can pretend, can't she?)

When it all boils down, whether I write a list or not, God has given me what I need and sometimes I think that includes rest. One thing I've realized in all this rambling is that being anxious about needing rest is the opposite of helpful.

"Return to your rest, o my soul, for the LORD has been good to you." Psalm 116:7

Dear Jesus,

Forgive me if I'm being lazy. Help me to work like you want me to. Help me find the motivation and kick in the pants I need to do the work you've set for me to do. Just help me to do your will, O Lord.

In your holy name, I pray. Amen.

Sheesh, I'm Blushing...

Monday, August 20, 2012

I've been given a nod, a kudos, a pat on the back, and most importantly a "keep it up." While it's definitely true that I write this blog not so much caring that others read but it has been awesome to get private messages telling me how my stories & craziness has helped them in some way. Makes my heart a little warmer and bigger (Visualize the Grinch with me please ;) My friend, Allison, over at Funny Shade of Green has bequeathed unto me a Liebster Award! In the spirit of paying-it-forward, bloggers all around the interwebs encourage newbies like me to keep writing and spread the word about up and coming blogs like Giggles & Goodness. A big blushing thanks to Goose & Allison (seriously, subscribe to this blog...I've learned so much!!)

So now it's my turn to spur on some rockin' writers that I've come to love:

1. Remember to Breathe: Written by Cassie Husby, this blog will literally have you cheering and praying all at the same time! Cassie is a wife to Husby as I call him, and momma to Laila (who has the greatest curly hair ever...I'm so jealous of a little kid's hair!). Cassie battles Cystic Fibrosis and blogs about her struggles & triumphs...and her bucket list! Yes, a bucket list but it's AWESOME! She's checking things off left and right and I LOVE reading about it.

2. Little House in the Big City:Britt Schwartz is a new friend of mine from a momma's group down here in Fort Myers. She is a loving Christian momma who is sharing her excitement as she preps for her home birth after having 2 C-sections. She's a wealth of knowledge and I can't help but be excited for her as I read her updates and watch her little baby bump grow! Landon is set to make his appearance around Thanksgiving and following Britt's blog will give you the ins and outs of homebirthing!

3. To Sleep or Not to Sleep...: I met Jackie 8 years ago (holy moly guacamole...8 years!!!) when I was a newbie teacher at my first call in Maitland, FL. Jackie's husband was the teacher in the very next classroom and without Jackie & Brian's help and advice...I surely wouldn't have survived those first few teaching years. Jackie & Brian have two beautiful and growing kiddos. Jackie journals about her ups and downs getting the help and support they need for their son, who has been diagnosed with autism. It brings tears to my eyes to read the major triumphs that Christian has and gives me lots to pray about when the lows come around. Read Jackie's blog and you will learn so much about the world of autism. You will be hooked...trust me.

4. Momnmy Stuff: Sarah is the most down-to-earth-but-focused-on-heaven mommy I know. She has a way of saying just the right thing at the right time and her perspective and focus on her Savior is something I want to have so desperately. She's only written a few entries and this is my sly way of telling her to write more...because I need more! Sarah, for all of us, please teach us, yoda!

5. Natural Momma in an Unnatural World: Joylynn is new friend of mine from the interwebs who lives literally 10 minutes from me. She is mommy to an almost one-year-old little blessing. She writes from the heart in a way that just makes you feel like you've known her forever. She and I have found that we have lots in common, most importantly that we are striving to raise faith-filled little Christian kiddos. Keep on writing, Miss Joylynn...it always helps!

And now...the next part of the deal is that I write five random factoids about myself. This might be the hardest part of this whole post...what to tell, what to tell???

1. I still have my Rainbow Brite bedsheets from 1984. If I slept in a twin bed, I'd still be using them.

2. I dress my dog up in the "winter." She likes sweaters...she's not a big fan of the ginormous bow we put on her last Christmas.

3. I've so far made it through half of my courses towards my Masters degree in Reading Education. However, since birthing my sweet little Laura, I'm leaking brain matter. I don't think at this point in time I could put together a coherent academic sentence in order to finish...we shall see...

4. I LOVE The Office (U.S. version) and shamefully I tear up every time Jim & Pam get married. And I say "every time" because I have watched the first 6 seasons...repeatedly.

5. I two OCD tendencies that I will now admit: First, I have to have the toilet paper with the roll coming over top. I'll even switch it in bathrooms that are not in my house. Secondly, I rearrange the gum in the checkout aisles so the packs are all facing the same way. I know...I have issues. You don't need to say it ;)

Now to those 5 fabulous bloggers I listed above, you have a little bit of work to do...you're welcome.

Here you go:

1. Choose 5 up-and-coming blogs to give the Liebster Blog Award to. (Blogs must have less than 200 followers.)

2. Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.

3. Post the award on your blog.

4. List the bloggers you gave the award to with links to their sites, and leave a comment on their blog to let them know they've received the award.

And I will - gladly.

5. Share five random facts about yourself!

Have fun!!

He, not me

Thursday, August 16, 2012

When I hear sad news (like tonight) or am weighed down by this thing called life, I try to always remember to pray first. Having a quiet moment or lots of quiet moments to ask my gracious Father in heaven to heal, help, be near to those suffering is something I treasure. At my confirmation in eighth grade I was blessed with this passage: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 Jesus goes on to point out that even we sinful human beings can give love and blessings to our children, how much more blessings will our perfect Heavenly Father give to those who ask of Him.

I have always had a difficult time asking for help. I always want to do things myself no matter what it is. It's a seriously annoying personality trait. I kind of wonder if my pastor sensed that tendency about me and gave me this passage as constant reminder. I know for sure Jesus did. He says come to me when I'm weary and burdened, sad and distraught. Come by prayer. Lay my requests at the foot of the cross and know with all certainty that He hears my prayers. He is always with me.

Psalm 121 is one of my favorites because it shows who it is that I am praying to:

I lift up my eyes to the hills;

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip--

He who watches over you will not slumber

indeed, He who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you--

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm--

He will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

As I look over those words I can't help but see how few times that "I" am the subject of the sentence...the one doing the work. It isn't how I can fix things or make things better...it's HIM, my God and Father in heaven. He is the one who is in control. He is the healer, comforter, Savior. The Almighty God is who I am praying to. How much comfort and strength I receive when that thought is my focus. I need to get better at reading God's words, my Bible, daily. I definitely cannot count on myself to remember His words and stay focused on who's really in control and guiding my life.

So, tonight I'm praying. Praying to my gracious, ever-faithful Father. Praying for my own family, for Cassie, for Dave & his family, for Lori's aunt, for all those whose struggles I don't know about.

Dear Father,

My heart is heavy and sad. There is so much sadness and sickness in this world. Please be near those who are suffering. Give them hope and strength, comfort and faith. Help them to see that You know their pain and will do all things for their good. If it be your will, heal their diseases and give them years of blessed service to you on this earth. If there are ways that I can help them, Lord, show me. Make me a reflection of your love. I know you hear my humble requests through your Son, Jesus. Thank you, dear Lord.

In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

*Photo credit: the photo is a dear friend, Cassie Husby (http://remembertobreatheceh.blogspot.com/), photo by Hyer Images (http://www.hyerimages.com/)

Looking Back...

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I've been more reflective this week than usual and today especially. It was exactly this week last year that I realized I had fully lost my mind. Yup, I went crazy. I mean like rocking back and forth, unable to eat or sleep, barely putting two words together to form a coherent sentence...crazy.

I couldn't handle the idea of Matt leaving for work without breaking out into sobs and serious sweats. I kept worrying about what I would do if Laura didn't nap while he was gone. What would I do with her? Then I would think, what if she does sleep and I try to sleep and she wakes up...what then? I was convinced Laura hated me and that I couldn't give her what she needed, that if left in my care, she wouldn't thrive. Yup, certifiably crazy.

A year ago I totally became a different person. For the first time in my life I couldn't control my thoughts, my body, or my actions. Poor Mathew. God bless that man forever for being so strong and giving me whatever I needed to ease my crazy mind. He would just tell me to repeat to myself that "I am okay in this moment." That is how I survived in the beginning. Just repeating (out loud while rocking back and forth) that I was okay in that moment. Things just kept getting worse. I went over 72 hours without being able to sleep. I lost I don't even know how much weight because I couldn't eat. The worst was the anger, fear, and sadness when I held my newborn, sweet Laura. I wanted nothing to do with her.

Then...it got worse. I can admit it now for the sake of mothers who may be struggling with this and for my own healing...I wanted her gone. (By the way, I want to bawl and vomit as I write this part). I wanted nothing to do with her. (Big breath, Katie. You can say this because it's not true and wasn't your fault....) I wanted to hurt her. It was at that very moment that I knew I needed help. I went to Matt sobbing hysterically telling him I couldn't do it without help. And without hesitation and full of pure faith in God that we'd be able to pay our bills, he told me to fly my mom back down here. (I have tears now just thinking about how amazing of a man God blessed me with.) Debbers, being the incredible person she is, called the church and told them she'd be gone for while (she's a church secretary) and told me not to worry, she'd be there soon.

Words cannot describe what Matt and my mom did for me during that time. God used them in ways I'm not sure they'll ever understand to bring me out of the depths of postpartum depression. I shudder even thinking about what could have happened to Laura and myself if God hadn't given me the help I needed. It was nothing short of pure grace. My mom came and I could sleep, actually sleep knowing Laura was being taken care of and it didn't have to be me. I could focus on getting better. The medication kicked in and my many sessions with my counselor made it possible for me to function again. It took a full month for me to wake up and feel like myself again...to feel like the cloud and haze was gone...to be able to hold and LOVE my little girl.

PPD robbed me of two months with Laura...thankfully, today, you'd never ever know. That sweet & sassy little girl (who is currently gabbing away in her crib...not sleeping...and guess who's not freaking out?? This momma!!!) comes to me for comfort, for play, for nourishment, for LOVE. God is so good. He never left me. He carried me. He picked me up through the people in my life who rescued me when I was at my absolute worst. I'm forever grateful to Him, Mathew, and my mom for helping when I couldn't move out of it. I'm a stay-at-home mom and remarkably Laura is THRIVING and added bonus...so am I.

Dear Father,

Thank you for never leaving or forsaking me. Thank you for Matt and my mom. Thank you for medication, doctors, and therapists. Thank you for Laura and her resilience. Thank for rescuing me. Thank for this blessed life.

In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

For information about PostPartum Depression, check the following website:http://www.postpartumprogress.com/ They also have an amazing facebook group! So many survivors and support!

My People

Monday, August 13, 2012

I miss my people. I came to this conclusion during my spur-of-the-moment trip to Wisconsin last month. It's been 8 years since I have been in the same city as my favorite people (aside from my dearest hubby, obviously.) God somehow coordinated it once again that my dear Jenni and I were in the same place at the same time. He tends to make sure that happens once a year...personally, I believe it's for our sanity that He does so. During that visit I was able to see Rachel again after something like 7 years. I haven't seen Faith in years. Katie & Kristin, my dears, it's been even longer. I see my family, well my mom and my sister, maybe three times a year. I see my brothers even less. I won't even get started on how desperately I miss our every Sunday afternoon gathering at my grandparents' house. Those were the best. I miss my people. Yes. The phone exists as well as email and Facebook. But there's something about being in close proximity to my people.

What makes these precious people my people? Our common faith. All of the people I have in mind are Christians, specifically WELS Christians. Aside from family, I went to college with my people. I miss those days. I miss worshiping with them every day in chapel. I miss knowing that the base and core of everything about that person was built on Christ alone. There's something inexpressible and intangible about that bond. I miss the daily face-to-face friendships. These women are an extension of my family. They know me to the inmost depths. They can read my face and know my mood with one look. My people know when I need spiritual encouragement or just a good laugh & brewski. Sigh. I miss my people.

I'm sad that because of how spread all over God's green earth we are, our children won't grow up together. I want Laura to know Libby, Benjamin, Julie, Micah, Jeremiah, Zechariah, Joseph, Annabelle, and Owen, and numerous others. I want her to have that deep common faith bond with these children of God. I absolutely love that these women and their husbands know the most important thing as a parent is showing Jesus' love and feeding our children's faith. I want to surround myself with these people, my people, every day.

So today...I'm throwing myself a pity party. I'm remembering and smiling about all the old times in the Midwest. I'm perusing pictures and thanking God for the ever-lasting, faith-filled friendships. I'm making it my goal to staying in better touch with my people. God has so richly blessed me with friends that I can call after years and know that we have the deepest core of our beings in common. That's an amazing gift.

Dear Father in heaven,

Thank for the gracious gift of solid, faithful Christian friends. Help me to talk with them more and not let go of the amazing people you have placed in my life. If it be your will, bring us closer in proximity so that I feel less lonely. Remind of your ever-faithful presence when I'm sad and give Laura the same close-bonded friendships some day.

In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

Taking a Step Back

Monday, August 6, 2012

For quite a while that I've been meaning to sit and write my other crunchy posts. I think there's a pretty good reason as to why I am having writer's block that I've finally figured out this weekend ...I'm not a blogger. I am so not ever going to be someone who writes reviews, writes with wittiness and can get an audience. I will never be someone who can post weekly and on a decent schedule. I admire my cousin and the few friends I have who are serious mommy-bloggers...way to go, ladies! I seriously have no clue how you find the time and energy to do it. You. Are. Rockstars.

I, on the other hand, am a newly made Stay-at-Home-Mommy who's barely surviving. This whole summer of change has been one word: O-V-E-R-W-H-E-L-M-I-N-G! I keep telling everyone I am way more exhausted at the end of one day being home with Laura than I was with 18 four year olds running circles around me. That leads me to the rediscovered purpose for my blog: to reclaim my sanity, to have a little piece of me that exists in order to remain a normal, mentally healthy wife and mother and person of the human race...in other words, if I don't use this writing as an outlet, there could be serious casualties.

About 7 years ago, I started seeing a counselor for a variety of reasons. Michelle is truly an angel. One thing that she taught me that has always stuck with me is to write. When my head is all jumbled and I feel like I'm going to explode (ahem...today for example) she would tell me I was way overdue for writing. And sure as can be, once I wrote I felt better. Yup, essentially I'm a 30 year old woman who writes in a diary...and LOVES it.

I'm an analyzer. I think about absolutely everything in a reflective way. That's a blessing and a curse for sure. Sometimes it makes me very stubborn...okay, a lot of the time. ;) But, I definitely know myself better and stay more consistent in my studying of God's Word and praying and praising Him when I reflect. When I let my writing go for a while, I tend to stray from Him. When I don't take moments each day to reflect, I lose sight of His ever-faithful presence. When I'm stuck in a rut and vicious cycle of worrying, stressing and spinning my wheels, I need to write. I need to reflect. I need to pray.

So yes, some day in the future (hopefully before Laura turns 18!) I'll finish filling you in on my favorite new crunchy things. But for now, I'll be writing for me and my sanity. I'm sure there will be entertaining moments but honestly, I don't mind if you don't read...

this is actually for me ;)

Dear Jesus, I'm tired. I worry. I stress out. I project anger. I fail daily. You alone are faithful. You alone have all things in your almighty hand. You alone can wash away my sin. You alone can build me back up. Forgive me for my self-centeredness, fear, and doubt. Give me strength, patience, and gentleness that I may show your love to all around me. In your holy name, I pray. Amen.

Lamentations 3:22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."