Thank you, Jenni. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Just talking with you helped me beyond measure. From our conversation I gained clarity, a vital understanding. I gained peace and acceptance.
I'm writing tonight to remember. I don't want to ever forget what I learned today.I'm writing tonight solely for myself. I've been beyond frustrated with my work towards weight loss and health. I've finally come to that place of deep desire that I needed to find in order to get healthy. But there was something blocking me from putting that into action. Today, I found it.
Let me connect my first paragraph and that last thought: for the last two weeks I've been feeling what I didn't allow myself to feel for an entire year. This past year was something straight from hell, even worse for me than the year my dad was sick and when he died--yeah, that bad. Before you crucify me for saying my daughter's first year of life was hell, let me explain. I worked for years in therapy to come to know myself, let myself feel and show emotion (instead of eating...keep that thought in mind), and have confidence in the choices I make and ultimately who I am on a daily basis. 6 years total of extreme hard work, digging down to places I had buried for so long...then, I lost it.
I lost myself, who I had worked so hard to become. Right after I had Laura, when I was in the throws of postpartum depression, someone said to me, "The old Katie is gone. Dead. Done. You have a new identity now." That scared the hell out of me. I didn't want the old Katie gone. I liked her. I LOVED her. I had worked too hard to find her and by God, I wasn't letting her go that easily. So I fought tirelessly. I tried to keep working and have that anchor to who I was (though I didn't realize until recently that work was not the anchor to myself that I needed). I faltered under the weight & responsibility of this new thing called parenthood. I didn't trust myself to make good choices for my family. I didn't give myself permission to feel scared or stressed or angry or sad. I denied myself entirely. Needless to say, parenthood did not come easy for me. I was lost, utterly lost, trying to be teacher and mother & wife...and Katie. I was in a constant state of overwhelm (remember that scene in Ferris Bueller's Day Off where Cameron goes catatonic...yeah, like that).
One of my favorite authors on the subject of binge eating, Geneen Roth, puts it this way:
In Your name, Amen.