Maybe it's the feverish, pukey toddler refusing to nap right now or maybe it's the ever-growing feeling that I, too, shall be puking soon but I can't help but wonder: where's my day off???
Ever since I became a stay at home mom (SAHM) 6 months ago I've been told I have the best job ever and am so lucky to be able to do it. Truth. Amen. I don't debate that at all. I LOVE my job as a SAHM. I would not trade it for anything. But still: where's my sick day??? When do I get to sleep in until noon just because I could push off work until then??? Where's my break???
I could cry because I so badly need a day off. (READ: This by NO MEANS states that I don't love/want/care for my daughter...if that's what your reaction is, stop reading, and go away.) I just need some time. My job is 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. I am definitely feeling it as Laura-love is sick, not sleeping through the night yet (and yes, she's 16 months old), and has been by my side all day long every day for weeks on end lately. There comes a point in time for me (and maybe just me, maybe not all moms feel this way ever. Good for you. You win) when I need a minute to myself. No, let's be honest, more than a minute to myself.
Yet, as a SAHM, frankly as a mother, someone whom God blessed with a child, there's a slight twinge of guilt in writing that, in asking for a break from one of my greatest blessings just for an hour or two. Why is that? Why do I feel like it's something I can't ask for? Why do I feel like I need to feel ashamed for being honest about how I feel? Is it wrong for me to feel like I need a day off...especially when I'm sick, too??? Here's the big question: does it make me a bad mom because I want a break every once in a great while?
I've done a lot of soul searching about this and here's the conclusion I've come to: I live in a sinful, decaying world. In a perfect world, no I would not need a break from my child, husband, job, etc. Sadly, though I strive for perfection, I can't attain it. My daily struggles with my own sinful nature and that of my child's wears on me. It literally makes me weary. Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28. Jesus knows I will get tired. He knows I will struggle. He knows how I feel. At least my guilt is washed away there at the cross. I don't need to beat myself up for feeling like I'm tired and worn out. Jesus knows. Jesus promises an eternal break someday.
As for physical rest, I've got to ask for it. I've got to make it known that I need it. I simply can't work all day long, every single day, and not have a moment to myself. Hopefully it doesn't take me getting the full-blown flu to get a break or a sleep-in one of these days! I guess for now it's time to dig deep, suck it up, pray for some sleep tonight and stop the Me Me Me's because I have no extra help today & I have a sick little munchkin calling "Momma Momma"...as she jumps up & down in her crib.