What a Difference a Day...and a Prayer Makes

Friday, November 30, 2012

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

 Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His love endures forever. Psalm 118:1

 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

 There are no adequate words to describe how I feel tonight when compared to how awful I felt last night. Lighthearted. Playful. Joyful. Happy. Rejuvenated. Content. Peaceful. Loved. 

 After the misery of last evening, I was sure I'd be in a funk. I have taken a step back from Facebook (other than to share this blog) for a while. I prayed for hours last night. I wept to Mathew as I told him what happened. I cut out those that were weighing me down (and let it be known, that I'm sure I weighed them down, too. It's never just one person.) I took a step back and looked at myself.

 Am I living in the moment? Something I'd always sought to do. Am I being a good reflection of Christ's love? Something I can never do enough of. Am I being the sane wife & mother my husband & daughter deserve? After last night's ending, I can yes. I am no longer stuck in the muck of problems that are not my own.

 Today was such a vastly different day. I had energy. I was playful. I laughed all day long with Laura. I finally felt back to my old self completely. Today was an awesome day. 

 I am so very thankful for God's grace & forgiveness. He has an amazing unconditional love for us sinners that I am in awe. He used this poor situation to bring me closer to Him. He helped me refocus on what's important. I was able to focus on showing His love to others by letting go of unhealthy feelings. Words still fail me in describing how incredibly different my attitude & perspective are now. I feel finally like I'm back to being an adult. 

 Will I go back to Facebook anytime soon? Who knows? I'm sure many people are betting I won't last through the weekend without posting something other than this blog. ;) I have learned so much through so many people on FB that I know I'll go back some time. But for now, it's very freeing to be away. Don't worry, diehard Laura-love fans, I'll keep taking pictures and noting all her amazing growth and fill you in later.

 For now, I've got Jesus, my family, true friends...total contentment. God is so good.

Showing Love

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2
Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. 1 Peter 1:22

Tonight I was deeply hurt by individuals I considered to be friends. It amazes me still to this day that people my age, into my thirties, can be catty, deceitful, and cruel. I joined a group for support for an issue very, very close to my heart. There as I was reading through past posts, I found references to me that were cruel & heartless, self-centered & unloving. I instantly broke down in sobs. I truly did not believe women my age talked about each other behind backs. I'm completely shocked & dumbfounded. I did not see this coming, especially about this particular subject, breastfeeding. 

Anyone who knows me or read this blog or saw my Facebook page in the last year knows the emotional turmoil I've been through in regard to breastfeeding. And yet, there I was mocked and talked about. 

I get it. We're all sinful. Every single one of us. None better than another. Really along those lines, I shouldn't be surprised or deeply hurt. I should expect nothing more than this type of behavior from myself as well as others. But man, this one hurts. I'm 30 years old.  Can't people be adult enough to be honest with one another? Where's the love? Where's the self-sacrificing, looking toward others, love? 

I'm trying to figure out what to do next. Do I go to these women and tell them they've hurt me (following Matthew 18)? Do I let it lie because the relationships have passed on naturally already? I can forgive but how I can forget? How can I stay in this group to gain the knowledge I need to successfully breastfeed the next time around when all I'll think about is the cruel words of others? I'm just torn and so very hurt. Tears spilled over breastfeeding yet again...Unbelievable. 

I need to look to the cross. To Jesus' love for me and them. Lord knows, I've done much much worse against Him. Yet not only did He forgive, He willingly died on the cross and rose again showing His indescribable love for me. In the moment I read their words I felt unloved. Reminding myself of Jesus and I know without a shred of doubt that I have never been unloved. I will forgive. I will strive to forget. I will pray for them. 

Dear Father,
I am hurt, deeply hurt. Give me the strength to see myself and others as the sinners we are. Help me to live as the saint you've made me with your gift of salvation in Jesus. Give me peace & strength to rise above and show the love that You've shown to me in all I think, do, and say. Lead me to repent for the sins I've knowingly done against others as well as the unintentional suffering I've caused people. Bring these women to the same kind of repentance. Guide us to live & act in true love, your love towards one another. Heal my hurt and help me move on.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

No More November

Monday, November 26, 2012

I've never been a huge fan of November. Probably because growing up in Michigan, November is that month in between the incredibly beautiful fall season and the white snow-covered December that brings Christmas. Sigh, I just always seem to feel a little down in November.

This November was no different. I was on such a roll with exercising and eating well, losing weight and feeling so much healthier emotionally. Then...smack...here comes the November blues. Laura was sick for almost three weeks with 3 viruses back to back to back. My stupid foot couldn't handle running three times a week to the point where I was limping around the house day and night. 

Halfway through the month I admittedly gave up. I started eating wheat, dairy, and desserts like they would be taken away from me. Sigh, I feel so guilty and awful. I saw pictures of me from our Thanksgiving camping trip this week and I just want to sob. I don't like how I look at all. Even worse, I despise how unhealthy I feel. I'm ready for November to be over. 

I decorated for Christmas early but somehow the calendar didn't get the message. There are still four days left of my least favorite month. So it's time for another attitude adjustment for Katie. I am going back to my tried & true method of listing the blessings I'm thankful for. I did this somewhat on facebook with everyone else but today I need to see a big ol' list of God's goodness right in front of my face in order to snap out of this sad state. 


Thank you, God for...
  1. Your son, Jesus, who saved even me, the ever-failing & always flailing sinner.
  2. My incredibly patient, understanding, and loving husband. I would be totally lost without him.
  3. The undeserving privilege of being Mommy to my smart & lovable Laura Elisabeth.
  4.  My family, near & far. Each person has taught me so much, words cannot express.
  5. My sister, Mollie, who is an amazing soul. (Please please please read her blog: Peace In Perseverance & pray for her & admire God's strength in her.)
  6. A home overflowing with necessities & the extra luxuries. I take them for granted too often.
  7. Date nights with Mathew (many thanks to my mother-in-law for that!) & time out of the house by myself (many thanks to my husband for that!)
  8. My snuggle buddy, Pepper dog, who always seems to know when I need some love.
  9. My church, Crown of Life Lutheran. We have been so blessed to find a church filled with people who love us & our very loud daughter.
  10. Friends here in south Florida that make it seem like I'm not so alone.
  11. Matt's work...all of it, even if it means he has some really long days & I may feel like a single mom sometimes. We can pay our bills & for that I am truly grateful.
  12. Modern technology that makes it possible for me to stay connected to those I love who are a thousand or more miles away.
  13. Good health, even if I am chubbier than I'd like. God has given me time without serious health issues...now to so my gratitude & get healthy!
  14. Support from those in my life as I do what I can, when I can to be a better steward of the body God has given me.
  15. Vacations with the family like Fall Family Fun Fest & our Annual Thanksgiving Camping trip. Those times are so important & I often forget how much I need my family's support.
  16. My nieces & nephews. Bethany, Logan, Alyssa, Arabella, & Baxter are such blessings to our family. 
  17. Cooler weather. I need some change of temperatures from the wicked heat in Florida...November brought that bigtime.
  18.  My mom, The Debbers. She's a kid at heart but has come through for me in the big ways when I needed her.
  19. My dad, Big Red. I miss him so much that sometimes I can't breath but I know without a doubt I will see him again in heaven.
  20. Quiet moments when I can stop my mind from spinning and live in the present.
  21. Pictures, new & old, that help my poor memory remember all that God has given me.
  22. New friends who have taught me so much about healthier, more natural ways to live.
  23. My bike complete with Laura's bike seat. Hopefully this will be something active I can do while my foot heals before I can run again.
  24. God's promises to never leave or forsake me. Deuteronomy 31:6
  25. The amazing ways Laura has grown this month. Her new words & skills make me so very proud & thankful for a healthy, growing girl.
  26. Naps & sleep...the gift of rest. God knew what He was doing when He rested on the 7th day as an example for us. :)
  27. Time over Thanksgiving to bond with Matt's side of our family. It was very needed & such a good time.
  28. Coffee, big cups of coffee. When the nights are long and Laura is sick, coffee is one of my best friends.
  29. God's forgiveness, grace, and love in spite of my sinfulness, self-centeredness, and tendency to doubt & worry.
  30. The sure hope of heaven because of my Savior, Jesus. Ephesians 2:1-10

30 days of thankfulness instead of 30 days of moping & a self-defeating attitude. That's where my heart should have been. Thankfully God doesn't leave me even when I'm at my worst. Instead He continues to shower me with blessings, love, and grace. How blessed I am!

Do I Get a Day Off?

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Maybe it's the feverish, pukey toddler refusing to nap right now or maybe it's the ever-growing feeling that I, too, shall be puking soon but I can't help but wonder: where's my day off???

Ever since I became a stay at home mom (SAHM) 6 months ago I've been told I have the best job ever and am so lucky to be able to do it. Truth. Amen. I don't debate that at all. I LOVE my job as a SAHM. I would not trade it for anything. But still: where's my sick day??? When do I get to sleep in until noon just because I could push off work until then??? Where's my break???

I could cry because I so badly need a day off. (READ: This by NO MEANS states that I don't love/want/care for my daughter...if that's what your reaction is, stop reading, and go away.) I just need some time. My job is 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. I am definitely feeling it as Laura-love is sick, not sleeping through the night yet (and yes, she's 16 months old), and has been by my side all day long every day for weeks on end lately. There comes a point in time for me (and maybe just me, maybe not all moms feel this way ever. Good for you. You win) when I need a minute to myself. No, let's be honest, more than a minute to myself.

Yet, as a SAHM, frankly as a mother, someone whom God blessed with a child, there's a slight twinge of guilt in writing that, in asking for a break from one of my greatest blessings just for an hour or two. Why is that? Why do I feel like it's something I can't ask for? Why do I feel like I need to feel ashamed for being honest about how I feel? Is it wrong for me to feel like I need a day off...especially when I'm sick, too??? Here's the big question: does it make me a bad mom because I want a break every once in a great while?

I've done a lot of soul searching about this and here's the conclusion I've come to: I live in a sinful, decaying world. In a perfect world, no I would not need a break from my child, husband, job, etc. Sadly, though I strive for perfection, I can't attain it. My daily struggles with my own sinful nature and that of my child's wears on me. It literally makes me weary.  Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28. Jesus knows I will get tired. He knows I will struggle. He knows how I feel. At least my guilt is washed away there at the cross. I don't need to beat myself up for feeling like I'm tired and worn out. Jesus knows. Jesus promises an eternal break someday. 

As for physical rest, I've got to ask for it. I've got to make it known that I need it. I simply can't work all day long, every single day, and not have a moment to myself. Hopefully it doesn't take me getting the full-blown flu to get a break or a sleep-in one of these days! I guess for now it's time to dig deep, suck it up, pray for some sleep tonight and stop the Me Me Me's because I have no extra help today & I have a sick little munchkin calling "Momma Momma"...as she jumps up & down in her crib. 

Be Still

Sunday, November 4, 2012

There's something that I do on a semi-regular basis that I'm sure drives people in my life bananas at times. When I don't get enough time to myself, time to be still, time to rejuvenate...I shut down, close off, become unresponsive. I'm not talking catatonic like Cameron unresponsive, more like I don't answer text messages, don't return phone calls, and let emails build up in my inbox. I'm not doing those things out of spite or malice. I just need a break. I need to be still. (It's so incredibly hard to find time to be alone as a wife and mommy...so, so hard.)

When I lived in Orlando and was seeing my counselor there we often would talk about my lack of ME time. Time where I could without feeling guilty tell people no and just do something (or do nothing) that belonged just to me. Some people may not understand that at all and think it's totally selfish. I envy those people sometimes. Some people reach out to others...I definitely do not do that. Being the stubborn, independent soul that I am, I want to be left alone. I wish I didn't need to take breaks like this but I do. 

I've found that when I do step out and take my breaks it's usually because my brain is tired from trying to solve everything and my heart is heavy with worry. During the time I step away from everyone I tend to find peace & comfort from Jesus somehow. Whether it's a book, devotion, hymn, or prayer, God gives me peace. He helps me realize I can pick up and carry on because of Him alone. He never lets me stay away too long. He brings me back with a renewed strength to face whatever the trouble of the day is. I can't imagine how lost I'd feel without Him. I'd be destitute and a total recluse. 

Psalm 46 is one of my absolute favorites. I feel like when I need a fortress to hide in during my breaks, this description of God shows the safe haven I have in Him.


1 God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging. 
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. 
8 Come and see the works of the Lord,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
    he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
    he burns the shields[b] with fire.
10 “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. 

God knows my weaknesses. He knows when I'm overwhelmed and need to shut down. His strength is beyond all that I could need to not just survive but thrive. He is always there as my defense, my safe place, my refuge.


My goal is to make sure that once a week, or more if I need it, I get time to myself, out of the house. Even if it's when Laura is asleep and it's to wander through a store or two. Just time to do something mindless outside of our blessed little home. I think that if I do that my big breaks will be fewer and shorter. The best part is knowing that even if I fail in doing that, God will not fail me. He will pick me up after the rest that I need and help me do the work He's blessed me with.

November Check-In

Saturday, November 3, 2012

I cannot believe it's November already! Laura, the Ladybug had a blasty blast trick-or-treating for the first time and Daddy enjoyed all the loot she collected with her cute little smile. October held our big trip to Michigan and we're just now all settled back in and into our new routine. 

Once we got back from our ten day fun fest I knew it was time to get to business with working out. My dear friend and kick butt accountability partner, Stephanie, is the most perfect person to help me workout on a regular basis. We started the Couch to 5K program on the Monday after we got back. Holy crapoly...I thought I was going to die during the first, and who are we kidding, second run. My only goal besides survival was to keep moving...just keep moving. It worked and by week two I was feeling awesome. Stephanie and I would meet up and do our timed runs according to the plan and since she's in better shape and just the get 'er done type, I was pushed and I LOVED it. 


Then Stephanie went on a cruise...NOT BLAMING HER at all. I'd have gone if she'd asked me ;) My sinful nature took over and I made every excuse in the book to not do my runs. This totally sucks and I'm wickedly embarrassed and not looking forward to Stephanie's face when she sees me next (please, oh sweet Stephanie, have mercy!). The only consolation is that I've decided that in writing this I'm shaking off this past week and moving forward. No matter how hard the beginning of the week 3 runs are, I'm going to get back on the horse this week. People, any one reading this, HELP ME stay on course! 

I've found this happens every time I notice that I'm losing weight or I get compliments on how I'm doing...I mess it up somehow. I sabotage myself. I'm just thankful I caught myself doing it this time and if that's the good that comes from skipping this week then I'm content with that. I've learned that if I continue to beat myself up for being human then I only defeat myself mentally and emotionally. 

So I'm brushing it off and I'm ready to run...  :)

October Stats:

Pounds Lost: 5.5! So, so, so incredibly happy about those 5!!
Clothing Size: 18/20
How I FEEL: Rededicated & Re-energized!
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