I've waited a while to write about this because I wasn't sure it was needed. Well, today it is. I have to let this out...I feel like I failed her. I am her big sister, one who is supposed to guide, guard, and protect her. I spent 30 years of my life being so consumed by myself that I didn't see the hurting, sweet soul next to me, the one I shared a bedroom with, my best friend. I feel like I failed to save her from a world of mistrust, pain, violation, and overwhelming fear and sadness. I let you down too many times to count, Mollie. I'm so so very sorry.
If I could give anything to go back and have a redo, I would without hesitation, in a heartbeat. But I can't. I wish I could go back now and see the signs of abuse that I've learned about. I wish I could go back and look outside of myself and be the opposite of the selfish girl I used to be. I don't know how I would've stopped it but by God, I would try.
Even now, today, I feel hopeless to help, unable to take away the lingering fear and pain she goes through on a daily basis. Living in Florida while she's in Michigan makes this whole mess worse. When she has a bad day, I can't just hug her. When she needs a pick-me-up, I can't hand over her little Nuglet to play with. Most often I feel useless and helpless to fix this or make it less painful.
Thankfully today, a good friend (thank you, B) reminded me that I need to give it over to God. Leave it in His hands. Be there for Mollie, love her, and most of all pray unceasingly for her. Our gracious Father can pick her up. He can calm her fear. He can lift her up. There are no better hands to hold her tightly and carry her through the rest of her life. There is no better Comforter or Savior than God Himself.
What is it that God wants me to do for Mollie? Pray. Pray continually, without ceasing that she can turn to Him and hold fast to Him. Humbly I ask any of you who happen to read this or my sister's blog to pray for her. Give her strength through your petitions to our good and gracious God. He promises that those who ask, seek, and knock will find Him.
Forgive me for not being there for my sister when she was younger. Forgive me for being so self-centered that I couldn't see her hurting and needing a protector and shield. Give her strength, peace, and faith beyond measure to face her daily demons. Heal her pain. Guide her and keep her close to You knowing that You alone can give her all she needs. Help her to find the life You've planned for her, health, happiness, and opportunities to serve You. Help her to know that I always here for her however it is in my power to help and love her.
In Jesus' name, Amen.