A New Addition

Friday, March 1, 2013

9 months. I can't believe it's been 9 months since I left my teaching job to become a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). There isn't a doubt in my mind that it was the right decision--the best thing for Laura, for Matt, and for me. 

But just because it was the right decision doesn't mean I don't notice the drawbacks. (Now before anyone gets their undies in a twist about what I write here know a few things: it's 3:30am and I can't sleep, I'm just being honest, it's my own personal blog so don't come back if you're bothered, and honestly if something I'm writing is making you upset or defensive...maybe you need to figure out why my words struck a cord....there I think I've covered my bases.)

 Here's the truth: I'm lonely. While I spend my days interacting with someone else all day long, my little babbling toddler only carries on a certain level of conversation. I actually am craving adult interaction so badly that I do the following just plain sad things...daily:

  • stalk Facebook for ANY glimpse of the outside world
  • go grocery shopping and strike up long conversations with the cashier (yeah, I'm that person you wish would shut up and move along.)
  • take a gazillion pictures of Laura (I'd venture to say at this late hour and in my sleep deprived state that it's because I'm thinking I need to prove that my job is worthwhile)
  • watch reruns of various shows...over and over and over
  • text, email, call anyone who will spare five minutes and make my day engaging in adult convo even if I don't have anything to say
  • interject myself into random strangers' conversations. Oh how I wish I were joking but nope, I actually do that. How weird...and totally embarrassing.
And here's my second truth of the night & this might be the one I feel the most guilty about: I crave something more for myself, something all my own apart from Laura. Here's where I feel pit-in-my-stomach guilty because after all, this is supposed to be the most fulfilling job on the planet...one I should be so grateful I'm able to do & thus never complain about. At least that's what's portrayed by all the SAHMs I know as well as every blog or ode to SAHMhood that I've ever read. But...

 I miss having a purpose outside of this home. I miss having a job that entailed a pat on the back, kudos, or obvious appreciation & rewards. Deep down that's probably the reason I post on Facebook so freaking much (I'm even annoying myself at this point...must.cut.the.cord.) 

 Just this past week I wrote a blog on Parental Pride for the website Bread for Beggars (a HUGE thank you to the creators of that site for giving me something extra to do & making me feel worthwhile!). I think this craving for adult interaction & the desire to do something "more" is a driving force toward my pride in my child. I think when Laura does something new & exciting, that's like my quiet, just-for-me reward that I've chosen the right path. Pretty skewed, huh? 

 Something's got to give. I've either got to remind myself somehow every day all day, especially in the loneliest moments why I chose this job & how much better Laura is because of that choice...or I've got to add something into the mix. Since I know myself fairly well, I'm opting for the addition. I'm going back to finish what I started. 3 more semesters of graduate school to get my Masters degree in Reading. Truthfully I'm not even sure I ever want to teach again but this is something I vowed to finish, something we've invested so much money in already, and something that is all my own. 

 And here's the best part: this new addition doesn't take absolutely anything away from my job with Laura. I can work around her schedule, do homework while she naps or at night. I don't have to skimp on my work with her at all. I'm still a legit SAHM. That's the most important part for me. I've looked into working from home and nothing fit ME that didn't take away from Laura.

 I would never trade what I have in this SAHM gig for anything. I get to see every little new development in Laura's life firsthand. I get to be the one who's there every time she falls down. I am the one who gets to spend countless hours talking nonsense and getting deep into her world. It's one of the biggest blessings God has given to me. But to curb my sinful tendency to bemoan this privilege this is the perfect solution. I'm ready. It's game...back...on!

 Dear Father in heaven,
Thank you for giving our family the means for me to be home with Laura full time. Forgive me when I'm selfishly needing and wanting more. Forgive me for sometimes begrudging this privilege. Please bless my work towards my degree. Help me to be satisfied with all the abundant blessings you've given to me.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

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